A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off." 
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There were five brothers named somebody, nobody, anybody mad and brain.
One day somebody and nobody were fighting, and just at that moment the anybody called police.
The police picked up the phone, and said hello.
Then Anybody: "Hello sir! I want to inform you that somebody is beating nobody."
Police: "Sorry!"
Anybody: "Sir somebody is beating nobody"
Police: "Are you mad? Who are you? What's your name?"
Anybody: "No, sir mad is dancing, I am anybody"
Police: "Shut up you idiot. What are you saying? Where have your brain gone? Is it lost?"
Anybody: "No, sir brain is not lost. Brain is in the bathroom."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights.
He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
Your mama is so stupid, when she lost her dildo she called the cops to look for it.
An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!
Someone call CSI.
I just killed my workout.
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific.
The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over?
Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking?
You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm?
That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse.
They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...