It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?" Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white." Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… Five minutes later: "Da-ad…" "What?" "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…" "WHAT?" "I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!" Five minutes later: "Daaad…" "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Two kids were talking together. First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands." Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?" First: "Yes, of course." Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."
Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets. So, he decided to take advantage of it. One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!" His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?" "Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face. When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!" Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?" "Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face. The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman. He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!" The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Man: "How old is your father?" Boy: "As old as me." Man: "How can that be?" Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."
After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University. One of his letters home reads: Dear Father, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back. Dear David, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."