There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt. The bad brother died. The good brother missed him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment." God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack." That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said. "Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me" That is to horrific. He asked the third man how he died and he said. "Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest. "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"