A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.
She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.
She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.
She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Charlie marries a virgin.
On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."
So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
"Much better!" she replies with a smile.
"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"
Vote:
A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry.
Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest dick."
Wedding night confession
Husband: Before we married, I slept with many prostitutes,
Wife: I knew I met you before..
A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up.
They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside.
The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed.
The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor.
As they were alone and beginning to get settled.
The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice.
He answered, "yes, sister?"
"I'm cold."
The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun.
As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I'm still cold."
The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in.
He climbed back into the sleeping bag.
Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again.
"I'm still cold!"
He said, "sister?"
"Yes?"
"We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains."
"Yes, we are!"
"Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?"
"Oh yes! I do!"
"Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"
Vote:
A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.
The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next mornning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening.
Finally, one day this guy comes along.
The king puts the green glitter on his daughters private part, and the next mornning checks the guys privates and there was no green glitter.
The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughters hand in marriage.
The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.
A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"
Vote:
Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?
A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.