The best marriage jokes

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones." The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."
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has 82.85 % from 347 votes. More jokes about: bar, car, marriage, stupid, wife
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law.
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has 82.55 % from 245 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mother in law
Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.
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has 82.43 % from 288 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"
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has 82.08 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: holiday, marriage, mean, women
Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra." Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!" Wife: "You wear shorts!"
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has 82.02 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: beauty, communication, marriage, mean, money
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
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has 81.89 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, men
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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has 81.86 % from 352 votes. More jokes about: marriage, nerd, technology
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
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has 81.84 % from 1966 votes. More jokes about: food, gay, love, marriage, money
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
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has 81.42 % from 432 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, mother in law, wife, work
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store. "Give me a couple of steaks," he says. "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher. "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"
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has 81.28 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: communication, food, hunting, marriage, mean
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