The best marriage jokes

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?" "I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny." "That's not going to work." "Why not?" "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
Vote:
has 83.04 % from 621 votes. More jokes about: dad, fat, marriage
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones." The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."
Vote:
has 82.80 % from 346 votes. More jokes about: bar, car, marriage, stupid, wife
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Vote:
has 82.49 % from 346 votes. More jokes about: marriage, nerd, technology
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law.
Vote:
has 82.27 % from 241 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mother in law
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Vote:
has 82.16 % from 103 votes. More jokes about: black humor, kids, marriage
"My wife suffers from a drinking problem." "Oh is she an alcoholic?" "No, I am, but she's the one who suffers."
Vote:
has 82.03 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, husband, marriage, wife
Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra." Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!" Wife: "You wear shorts!"
Vote:
has 82.02 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: beauty, communication, marriage, mean, money
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
Vote:
has 81.89 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, men
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"
Vote:
has 81.83 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: holiday, marriage, mean, women
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
Vote:
has 81.80 % from 1956 votes. More jokes about: food, gay, love, marriage, money
<<<15161718
More jokes →
Page 15 of 58.