The best wife jokes

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.
Vote:
has 34.09 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: divorce, marriage, wife
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all Night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Vote:
has 31.56 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, business, wife
Boy’s father come back from uk & was calling his wife. Boy:- papa mom has died. father slaped boy & said why u dont inform me when i was in America Boy :- i thought i will give u a surprise.
Vote:
has 30.77 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: death, kids, wife
Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns. Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"
Vote:
has 30.56 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: black humor, fish, wife
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'. 'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'
Vote:
has 30.41 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: Christmas, soccer, sport, wife
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there. The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died." "Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?" The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
Vote:
has 30.11 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: death, funeral, sport, wife
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.
Vote:
has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: sport, wife
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You ever cut your grass and found a car. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You own a homemade fur coat. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Vote:
has 27.71 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, drunk, kids, wife
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says: "Right, you've had enough, go home..." So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says: "Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more" He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away. The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?' The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?' His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'
Vote:
has 26.98 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, drunk, wife
My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair" I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night. Woke up with a massive correction.
Vote:
has 26.30 % from 149 votes. More jokes about: doctor, sex, wife
<<<4445
More jokes →
Page 44 of 45.