A man goes into a Harley Davidson shop and while looking at bikes, the salesman comes up and asks if he has any questions. The man then asks how he keeps the chrome looking so good on all these bikes? The salesman replies, "That's easy, I carry a jar of Vasoline in my pocket and when it looks like it's going to rain, I put Vasoline on all the chrome and wipe it off when it quits raining and no water spots." The guy says that makes sense and later picks a bike to purchase. After completing the paperwork, he rides the bike to a pharmacy and purchases a jar of Vasoline that he puts in his pocket.rnrnThe man then rides the bike over to his girlfriend's house and while they are standing outside looking at the bike, his girlfriend's phone rings. His girlfriend says that it's her parents and they want to invite them to dinner at their house. The guy agrees and says they can ride the bike over to their house.rnrnAs their walking up to the front door, the girlfriend says she needs to tell him something before they go inside. She tells him that you can't talk during dinner. The guy asks why, and the girlfriend says the first person to talk has to do the dishes. The guy thinks this to be a little strange, but says OK.rnrnWhen they get inside, the guy looks inside the kitchen and sees about two months worth of dirty dishes piled up and thinks there is no way he's talking during dinner. They sit down and begin eating when a thought pops into the guys head. The guy grabs his girlfriend an d throws her up on the dining room table and rails the shit out of her, but no one says a word. The guy then grabs his girlfriend's mom and throws her up on the table and rails her too, and again no one says anything. About that time, the guy hears thunder and reaches in his pocket to recover the jar of Vasoline. His girlfriend's father then says, "Fuck this shit, I'll do the goddamn dishes!"
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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call.
I need my garden plowed.”
I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey.
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"