A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it.
He has no recollection of how he got there.
While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis."
Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."
Vote:
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.
"I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Vote:
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Eat up!
Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"