Best jokes ever

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Vote: has 87.57 % from 2090 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: health, sex, wife, work
“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”
Vote: has 87.57 % from 198 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, relationship, wife
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Vote: has 87.56 % from 130 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.
Vote: has 87.56 % from 1902 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, doctor, husband, old people, sex
Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
Vote: has 87.55 % from 169 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wedding
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc. The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
Vote: has 87.54 % from 33 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, anniversary, genie, time, travel
A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
Vote: has 87.52 % from 327 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, time, wife
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Vote: has 87.49 % from 1103 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: airplane, military, money
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Vote: has 87.47 % from 129 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
Vote: has 87.46 % from 119 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife