Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.
One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."
Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.
The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."
The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.
"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.
"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Vote:
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Vote:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her.
The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…"
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?"
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Little Johnny was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."
Vote:
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
"Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."