Best jokes ever

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife said, 'Thank you.'

We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and could not say a word… She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet. The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"

Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED: G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked... with beer.

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to bug him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy." "Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that." Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!" "You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!" The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really big him, you just watch." The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!" "Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me."