One woman to another at a singles bar: “I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'”
Vote:
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy.
One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.
One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.
That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement.
I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York.
It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
“This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him.
“Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.”
“Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”
“No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs.
“Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it.
He climbs over the sill and falls out.
He drops 10… 20… 30… 40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says.
“Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.”
And with that, he falls out the window again.
He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window.
He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50…60…70…80…90… 100 feet and splat — he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”
Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."
A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while.
The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times.
The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car
The guy falls down five more times.
He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door.
The guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell.
A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"
Alcohol doesn't make you FAT... it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."
I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.
“Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket.
“Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”