What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman?
4 drinks.
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon.
"Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!"
My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:
"Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that sh*t?"
Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?"
The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my f*cking bourbon"
A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun.
He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it.
He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass.
The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?"
The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine.
The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?"
The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
An alcoholic walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, stupid, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A length of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!"
The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together.
Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.
He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?"
And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."