Man goes to the doctors and sayes "Doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking !" Doctor replies "Do you drink much ?" Man says "no, I spill most of it !"
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Liquor is a slow poison for you." Patient: "It’s all-right. I’m not in a hurry."
What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner? He smashed his his nose. Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. Perverted is when you use the whole chicken... A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that. Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out the underpants. What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear. What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus! A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock. A lady asks "What are you dressed as?" He says a fireman! You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can. One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so. She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you." He replies "BREASTS."
An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"
A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him: - Do you smoke? - No. - Do you drink? - No. - Do you eat fast food? - No. - Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar. He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of beer. He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk. Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???' The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.' So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool. The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is." The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog." Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?" The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly. "Why are you crying?" Bob asked. "I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill. "So? Are you afraid?" "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger." As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely. Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?" To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample". After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "He needs a pair of your underwear".