The best alcohol jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks: "Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that sh*t?" Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?" The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my f*cking bourbon"
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has 62.50 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
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has 62.50 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer, science
My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
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has 62.50 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer, food
An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"
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has 62.40 % from 314 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, death, doctor, gay
I've trained my dog to bring me red wine. It's a Bordeaux collie.
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has 62.22 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, dog, wine
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?" The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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has 62.10 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, cop
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
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has 61.89 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, god, priest
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."
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has 61.63 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?" The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?" "No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."
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has 61.63 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day! It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.
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has 61.63 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, weather
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