The best alcohol jokes

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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More jokes about: alcohol, bar, money
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol
Overheard in a restaurant: She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste." He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"
Vote: has 61.25 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, mother in law, wine
2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have. The first one says he'll have H2O. The second one said he'll have H2O too. The second one died.
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More jokes about: alcohol
A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?" The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
Vote: has 60.85 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, kids
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?" The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!
Vote: has 60.84 % from 65 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, sex
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Vote: has 60.69 % from 38 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, chemistry, science
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
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More jokes about: alcohol
This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says, "What is that?" The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it makes you smarter. The half drunk man says, "Your joking aren't you? and the guy says, "No I am not." So the drunk says to the bar tender, "Give a large glass of beer." The drunk opens the bottle and takes a pill and washes it down. A few minutes later the drunk says, "I don't feel smarter." and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill." So the drunk takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he says, "I still don't feel any smarter. So the drunk says, "Hey,let me see those pills," the drunk takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shit and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shit." The guy says, "See! your getting smartes allready."
Vote: has 60.56 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beer
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Vote: has 60.56 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, new year


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