This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft." Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, "Why the postman?" "Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box."
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
An alcoholic walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, stupid, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true. "I want to pee whiskey," he says. “But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want." "No I want to pee whiskey." The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true. George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses." Curious she was, she brings them. "What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks." From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her. And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey. They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game. The other night the same happen. "Woman, bring two glasses and nuts." So they spend their evenings. One night, however, the scene changed. "Woman, bring nuts and a cup." "A, for one?" "You will drink from the bottle today."
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head. The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip. Why the tip and thank you, "because the man had the hiccups."