The best alcohol jokes

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”
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has 63.51 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, money, women
A man goes to a bar says, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!" Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man it seems i forgot my wallet. The barman kicks him in the guts and throws him out. The next day the man comes again, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!" Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man i don't have any money on me. The barman hits him in the face with bar stool brakes his leg and throws him out. The following day the man comes to the bar again, "Barman drinks on me for the owner and everybody else in here!" Barman says, "What am not getting a free drink tonight?" "Sorry man but you get violent when you drink."
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has 63.51 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, money
A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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has 63.17 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, money
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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has 63.17 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A compass „Drinker": loose your limbs, find your North, let us dance!
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has 63.17 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk
A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head. The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip. Why the tip and thank you, "because the man had the hiccups."
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has 63.13 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender
Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?
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has 63.00 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, time, wife
2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have. The first one says he'll have H2O. The second one said he'll have H2O too. The second one died.
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has 62.88 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"
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has 62.59 % from 310 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, death, doctor, gay
My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
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has 62.50 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer, food
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