Overheard in a restaurant:
She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste."
He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"
Vote:
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.
She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK.
Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".
An English man, Irishman and a Scotch man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free”.
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.”
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back-room for a shag”
The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon.
"Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!"
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road.
He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen.
Damn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Which Women's Day gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive!
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Dinner/Dancing
5. Waffle iron
1. CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. DINNER/DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight.
OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
5. WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving kitchen appliances.
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future.
He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities.
He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk.
This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer.
His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows: "Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town.
For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows.
I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows.
Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his.
In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough.
I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in.
A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.
"My name is Gonzales.
I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said.
"For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows.
The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his.
In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
"I heard enough. I'll take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern.
"My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"