A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.
At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Two old drunks in a bar.
The first one says,
"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands.
By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
An English man, Irishman and a Scotch man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free”.
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.”
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back-room for a shag”
The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”
A Black man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical black baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.
The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing black baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled.
"Why?
What happened?
He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis.
The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?"
And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts."
There is legend that goes like this:
In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Poof – the mirror swallows her up.
Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think...” Poof!
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
Q: What do a woman and a bar have in common?
A: Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.