A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".
Three men walk into a bar.
The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down.
When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"
Vote:
Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano.
He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy shit, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog.
The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it.
Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar.
The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically.
"That's amazing," said the bartender.
"Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings."
"Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back."
So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby.
"Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."
Vote:
Mike, to a blonde at the bar: "It's rude to interrupt a man when he's talking to his wife."
Sara: "Wife?"
Mike: "I'm working on it."
Sara: "You're awful sure of yourself."
Mike: "You too."
A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady!
Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am.
I'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper.
He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!
"Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!"
The bartender does nothing.
So the man takes another sip.
A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.
"Jesus! He just jumped again!"
The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled.
The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.
"How did you survive that jump?"
"I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float."
So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink.
He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it.
He then jumps out the window and... SPLAT!
Right on the sidewalk!
The Bartender then says, "You know, Superman... you can be a real jerk when youre drunk."
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.