The best bar jokes

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer." The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer. "You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here." To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
Vote:
has 76.00 % from 100 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, beer, horse, money
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
Vote:
has 75.92 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, bartender, dog
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Vote:
has 75.91 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, sex, wife
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Vote:
has 75.90 % from 75 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, life, new year, time
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He says, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself." He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beerfuck."
Vote:
has 75.74 % from 151 votes. More jokes about: bar, beer, car, dirty, sex
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China." The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Vote:
has 75.38 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: bar, men
Two programmers after work, talking in a pub: "You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar." - And what did you do ? "I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her." "Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?" "I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop." "Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"
Vote:
has 75.22 % from 202 votes. More jokes about: bar, IT, office, programmer, women
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”. Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.
Vote:
has 75.19 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, drunk, men
A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!". The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"
Vote:
has 74.97 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, dog, game
Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop." The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on." The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too. "What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!" "Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad you would laugh hysterically about it!"
Vote:
has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, cowboy, money
<<<78910
More jokes →
Page 7 of 29.