The best bar jokes

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets em down on the bar. And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!"
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has 76.96 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, car
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
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has 76.83 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, bartender, dog
3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.
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has 76.44 % from 97 votes. More jokes about: bar, coding, geek, IT, nerd
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?". "It was at the end of this key", Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"
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has 76.20 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, car, cop, god
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour." Testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."
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has 76.01 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, lawyer, women
Two programmers after work, talking in a pub: "You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar." - And what did you do ? "I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her." "Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?" "I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop." "Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"
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has 75.39 % from 208 votes. More jokes about: bar, IT, office, programmer, women
Juan was a Mexican man riding his bike to go across the American border. He was holding two bags full of sand on his back. As soon as he got to the border, the guard stopped him and asked what was in the bags. Juan replies "sand" The guard told him that they would see about that and took the bags in to inspect them. He looked through to see if there were drugs, or if they were actually sand, but it was 100 percent sand. The guard was confused, but knew he had no proof that Juan was doing anything wrong, so he put the sand in new bags, hefted them onto Juan's back and let him cross. This same thing happened every day for a few months, until one day, 6 months later, Juan didn't come. After a few weeks, the guard had a day off so he went to a local bar. He saw Juan sitting on a table on his own drinking beer, so he went over to him. "Hey man, I know you're snuggling something in, I just want to know, between you and me, I promise I won't get you into trouble, what are you snuggling?" Juan looked at him for a second, drank his beer then said "bicycles".
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has 75.38 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: bar, drug, geography, mexican, time
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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has 75.23 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, sex, wife
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him. "Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers." "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" "Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
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has 74.89 % from 86 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”. Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.
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has 74.73 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, drunk, men
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