The best bar jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog. The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!" The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!" He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears. The crocodile opens its jaws wide. The guy unzips his pants, puts his pecker into the crocodile's jaws and hits the crocodile on the ears again. The crocodile closes its jaws leaving just one-inch space, not touching the man's pecker. Everybody in the bar is very impressed. To build upon it, the guy declares: "I give a hundred dollars to anyone who does it!" But everybody is afraid to - understandably, each would rather have an undamaged pecker than a hundred dollars. Finally, a man wearing a pink suit, with an earring in one ear, says in an effeminate voice: "I think I can do it!" Everybody admires him, "What a brave man you are!" The man continues, to the guy: "Just don't hit me so hard on the ears!"
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has 76.06 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, dirty, money, sex
Two programmers after work, talking in a pub: "You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar." - And what did you do ? "I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her." "Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?" "I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop." "Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"
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has 75.77 % from 193 votes. More jokes about: bar, IT, office, programmer, women
Drinking all day at a bar a man stumbles to the restroom to throw up. He doesn't make it in time and pukes all over the front of his shirt. As the drunk returned to the bar the bartender asks: "what the hell happened?" The drunk is very upset explaining to the bartender: "my wife gonna be pissed off! She just got me this shirt as an anniversary gift. Soon as she sees puke all over it, she will be shitty!" The bartender, being helpful says: "I got an idea. Why don't you put a $10 bill in the front shirt pocket and when she notices the puke you can say you drove a drunk fella home from the bar and during the drive, he got sick and puked all over the front of your new shirt?" Naturally, the guy felt bad so he gave you the $10 so you could have it cleaned. The drunk looked at the bartender a moment, thinking it over. "That's a great idea, the drunk slurs. Thank you." And the drunk left. When the drunk walked in the front door of his home there stood his wife to greet him. She hugged him and said: "oh my lord Frank, what happened to your new shirt?" He explained: "I drove a drunk fella home from the bar and he puked all over the front of my shirt, patting the pocket, and gave me $10 to get it cleaned." The wife reaches in and pulls the cash from the pocket. "But Frank," the wife says, "there is $20 here." Frank replies, "oh, I forgot to mention, he shit in my pants too."
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has 75.77 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: bar, dirty, disgusting, drunk, money
Juan was a Mexican man riding his bike to go across the American border. He was holding two bags full of sand on his back. As soon as he got to the border, the guard stopped him and asked what was in the bags. Juan replies "sand" The guard told him that they would see about that and took the bags in to inspect them. He looked through to see if there were drugs, or if they were actually sand, but it was 100 percent sand. The guard was confused, but knew he had no proof that Juan was doing anything wrong, so he put the sand in new bags, hefted them onto Juan's back and let him cross. This same thing happened every day for a few months, until one day, 6 months later, Juan didn't come. After a few weeks, the guard had a day off so he went to a local bar. He saw Juan sitting on a table on his own drinking beer, so he went over to him. "Hey man, I know you're snuggling something in, I just want to know, between you and me, I promise I won't get you into trouble, what are you snuggling?" Juan looked at him for a second, drank his beer then said "bicycles".
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has 75.77 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: bar, drug, geography, mexican, time
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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has 74.96 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, sex, wife
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?" The man replies "I don't know but its driving me nuts".
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has 74.89 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”. Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.
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has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, drunk, men
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a dick!"
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has 74.45 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: bar, money, stupid, wife, women
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
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has 74.36 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, bartender, dog
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman “Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?”
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has 74.21 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar