The best beer jokes

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that." "Why not" asked the customer? "Because that’s my husband."
Vote: has 45.52 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, husband, marriage
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. 'What are you doing dear?' 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?' The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."
Vote: has 44.24 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, women
There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here." The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said. "I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here." So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink." The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.
Vote: has 39.90 % from 9 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer
Question: How many men does it take to open a beer? Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
Vote: has 38.75 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, women
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish." The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves. His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
Vote: has 31.56 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, beer, fish, genie
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, it better be open when she brings it to you.
Vote: has 30.43 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, men, women
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Vote: has 29.01 % from 7 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, men
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
Vote: has 29.01 % from 7 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
Vote: has 29.01 % from 7 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, beer, golf
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Vote: has 29.01 % from 7 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, men