One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones.
Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat.
So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some.
On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest.
In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion.
He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.
"Officer," he said, "what's going on?"
"You're under arrest," said the policeman.
"But why?" he asked.
The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting.
I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.
I think I'll just wait for the police..."
According to the police, if you hold your purse by the strap and under your arm, nothing will ever happen to you....
Unless your name happens to be Bruce.
Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?
So she won't shit on the street during a parade.
A man walks into the sheriff's office....
"I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads:
'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir.
You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper.
"Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six.
One to do it and 5 to smash the old bulb to smithereens.
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.
He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you women jump off of the building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.