A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich." So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!" Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"
Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"
I went to a pharmacy and asked for a black condom. Manager wondered and asked me, "why black sir?" "My friend's husband died; I want to console her," I said.
What type of pussy does a priest get? Nun.
Q: Why all men say "Ladies first"? A: They want to watch their asses.
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"
"Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask. "Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son." "Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?" "NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"
Hitler conquering another village while ww2 and he decided to give a chance for every woman in this village to save their families. He made all men to stand naked one next to another in stright line and every woman have to find her husband by doing them bl*wjob. First woman starts to suck and saying: "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, Mine!" It's turn out that she was right so they could walk away free. Second woman starts to suck: "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, MINE!" True again so Hitler was deeply surprised and decided to stand in line between men of village. Third woman starts to doing her job and saying: "Not mine, not mine, not mine , not mine, not from this village, not mine...."
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, I am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman. "What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different ****," he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. “Are you hurt?” she asks. She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”