A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won't beat me up
- won't run away from
- is great in bed.
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
A man walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender, six shots!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow six shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First bl*wjob!"
The bartender then pours him a seventh shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me."
The man then says , "Man if six shots cant get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will!"
Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"
Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...
My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower."
"No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
A man is working a a d*ldo store, when a brunette walks in.
She asks him how much for the black d*ldo?
He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one.
She leaves without purchasing anything.
A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white d*ldo?
He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one.
she doesn't buy anything.
A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a d*ldo?
He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one.
She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him?
He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250.
She buys it.
At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold.
The man said no d*ldos but i sold your thermos for $250.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.