A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”
asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black.
He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes.
The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town.
He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka.
Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind.
Son: Dad im over here.
Vote:
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard .
Does any one know what that is?
"Yes," says Tommy.
"My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis.
Lady asks, "What are you?"
He says, "I'm a fireman."
"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.
He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass."
Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"