A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day. Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?" Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring." Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?" Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... " The poor, "Man nodds in agreement." Rich man, "What did you get your wife?" Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo." Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?" Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road when he noticed, down an embankment, a man tied naked, face down to a large fallen tree. The hiker ran down to the man, and while removing his backpack asked, "What happened to you?" The tied up man began to tell him, "I picked up a hitchhiker and a few miles down the road he held me up. He told me to pull over and took my car, my money, and all of my clothes. Then he tied me up to this tree." The hiker unzipped his fly and said, "Boy, this just isn't your day, is it?"
George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true. "I want to pee whiskey," he says. “But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want." "No I want to pee whiskey." The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true. George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses." Curious she was, she brings them. "What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks." From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her. And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey. They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game. The other night the same happen. "Woman, bring two glasses and nuts." So they spend their evenings. One night, however, the scene changed. "Woman, bring nuts and a cup." "A, for one?" "You will drink from the bottle today."
Yo momma is so fat, that when NASA put her on the moon, her breasts were the only things bouncing... just like on earth.
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex: - You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. - If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. - The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. - You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some. - 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy. - If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. - It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure. - You can do the whole neighborhood.
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end. A toothbrush with toothpaste
Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS? A: They can't get the laboratory mice to arse f*ck.
An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex? Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ? Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it, mate? Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian ! Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table. Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife? Brian: Yeah, all right. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you? Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi, Brian. Brian: Hi, Sharelle. Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth, honey. Sharelle: Okay. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question. Where did you do it? Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway. Just tell them. Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse! Radio Silence — Advertising Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.