COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”
Q: If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving? A: The cop!
These two guys are riding in a convertible down a road in the desert, the road runs alongside a railroad as they are driving, as they are driving a train goes past, on the train a guy is on the train, clutching his stomach and grunting, his buddy leans over, and asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The guy replies, "I gotta shit real bad, and I can't reach the bathroom in time!" His buddy tells him "Hang your ass out the window, and let it fly." The guy hangs his ass out the window and the shi t flies back and hits the convertible. The guys in the convertible say "Damn, that guy on the train spit tobacco on us!" The guy asks his friend "Hey, pull over when the train stops and we'll find this guy and kick his ass". After he finishes talking the guy driving the car slows down. His friend says "Why are you slowing down, don't you wanna beat this guy up." His friend says "No!" The other guy says "Why". His friend says, "Number one, that is some of the stinkiest tobacco I've ever smelled, and number two, did you see the jaws on that son of a bitch!"
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Yo mama so fat she uses a highway for a slide.
You might be a redneck if a police officer pulls you over to ask for your driver's license and your address is the county jail.
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
Q: If a man crashes his car into a woman who's fault is it? A: Well what was the man doing driving in the kitchen...
A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding. The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!" The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!" The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady." The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law. The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt. The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt." Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up". Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?" "ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK," the wife states.