The best heaven jokes

Peter approaches the gates of Heaven. "Knock knock," says Peter. Miraculously, someone answers him. "Who's there," a voice in the distance asked. "God," says Peter. "God who," asked the voice? "GOD DAMMIT open these gates! I've been a good neighbor, loved my wife and lost my virginity, twice!"
has 47.29 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: communication, dirty, heaven, knock-knock, sex
Chuck Norris found the stairway to heaven, but he prefers the elevator.
has 43.73 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, heaven
How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.
has 37.61 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal, heaven
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
has 36.51 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, heaven
If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.
has 34.25 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, heaven
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!
has 34.13 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: animal, heaven
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
has 33.86 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: heaven, men
A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool. The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?" God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."
has 32.63 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: god, heaven, lawyer
Yo mama is so fat that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to heaven.
has 29.66 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: death, fat, god, heaven, Yo mama
Lenin dies and goes to Saint Peter to tell him whether to go to hell or heaven. There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise. Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell. After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations." St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise. From that day and then there was a disturbing silence. After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what? Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking. Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ. He calls him and says: "God will punish you" And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."
has 27.59 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, heaven, life
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