The best heaven jokes

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Vote: has 43.21 % from 12 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, heaven
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
Vote: has 42.61 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, heaven, lawyer, work
How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.
Vote: has 39.39 % from 17 votes. Send joke:
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Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!
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Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Vote: has 36.51 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: heaven, men
Yo mama is so fat that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to heaven.
Vote: has 34.72 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, fat, god, heaven, Yo mama
Smith was hit by a car, died, and went to heaven. And everyone who goes to heaven has to work. God went up to Smith, and said: Smith, you are going to make babies. Here is this wheel, and every time you turn it, a baby will come out. For hours, Smith spun the wheel at full speed, then he started to get tired. As he was slowing down, a black baby came out...and Smith said: **** I better hurry because they are burning."
Vote: has 31.39 % from 58 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, black humor, car, death, heaven
Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.
Vote: has 31.14 % from 42 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, heaven
A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool. The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?" God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."
Vote: has 25.81 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: god, heaven, lawyer
Lenin dies and goes to Saint Peter to tell him whether to go to hell or heaven. There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise. Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell. After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations." St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise. From that day and then there was a disturbing silence. After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what? Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking. Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ. He calls him and says: "God will punish you" And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."
Vote: has 22.31 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, death, heaven, life