A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?" The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on. St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed. Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off. The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?" The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."
Chuck Norris found the stairway to heaven, but he prefers the elevator.
If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.
How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool. The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?" God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.
Yo mama is so fat that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to heaven.