Joke #7132

Chuck Norris found the stairway to heaven, but he prefers the elevator.
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has 45.52 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, heaven

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If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.
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has 34.25 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, heaven
Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
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has 73.42 % from 150 votes. More jokes about: beauty, black humor, heaven, women
St. Peter was sat next to the god in heaven when the all of a sudden the pearly gates started to rattle. God said to Peter,"go and see who is rattling the gates." Peter ran down the stairway to heaven and opened the pearly gates and there stood a dirty unwashed man in a vest. Peter looked the man up and down and said "yes' can I help you?" The man replied in a broad Irish accent, "Top of the mornin to ya sur, would the good lord have any scrap he be not wanting?" St. Peter stood silent for a moment then said: "wait here a moment." Peter shut the gate and ran back up the stairway to heaven and said to God, "It's Pykies my lord, wanting scrap." God says to St. Peter "Shit! Lock everything up and hide the keys, then go back down and tell them to bugger off!" Peter runs down the stairway to heaven opens the gate and tells "the pykie to bugger off, slams the pearly gates shut and locks it. Peter returns to the lord." God says to Peter, "we'll give it half hour then go and see if they have gone." A half hour passed. "Peter! Go and see if they have gone!" Peter runs down the stairway to heaven then returns to God panting and says to God "They have gone, my Lord!" "Good" says God, "and so have the pearly gates, my lord."
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has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: communication, god, heaven, mean, time
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
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has 84.84 % from 1070 votes. More jokes about: black humor, car, heaven, work
If Chuck Norris movies were in 3D, the audience would be dead.
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has 73.80 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, technology
When a mime sees Chuck Norris, he makes a glass wall and pretends he's dead.
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has 58.00 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
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has 56.78 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: golf, heaven, sport
Chuck Norris can follow you into a revolving door and come out ahead of you.
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has 39.94 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
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has 74.20 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, heaven
Chuck Norris can watch music.
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has 49.54 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, music