The best husband jokes

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."
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has 71.67 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: dirty, doctor, husband
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
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has 71.63 % from 195 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, husband
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs. The dentist said: "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."
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has 71.25 % from 146 votes. More jokes about: dentist, dirty, husband, old people, sex
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!" "Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
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has 70.72 % from 124 votes. More jokes about: fat, husband, sex, ugly, women
Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?” “Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”
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has 70.66 % from 222 votes. More jokes about: husband, love, marriage
They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them. The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?' Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'" The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'" The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!' And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"
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has 70.55 % from 104 votes. More jokes about: dirty, husband, war, women
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
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has 70.33 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: husband, old people, wife
A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. "OK, honey," he says, "this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom." The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain. The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, "Doc, doc, how bad is it?" "That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob."
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has 69.85 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: couple, disgusting, doctor, holiday, husband
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'
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has 69.49 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, wife
One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith. "God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
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has 69.30 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: church, god, husband, men, work
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