The best husband jokes

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."
Vote: has 52.81 % from 79 votes. Send joke:

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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no...smallcox, too!"
Vote: has 52.48 % from 90 votes. Send joke:

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Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
Vote: has 52.45 % from 76 votes. Send joke:

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Vote: has 52.05 % from 59 votes. Send joke:

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Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Vote: has 52.05 % from 59 votes. Send joke:

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A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror. She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now." Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!" ...and then the fight started.
Vote: has 52.03 % from 177 votes. Send joke:

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A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
Vote: has 51.64 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

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A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you," replies the wife. "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "I asked for, the English girl?" "Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!"
Vote: has 51.28 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Vote: has 51.27 % from 51 votes. Send joke:

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Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat... Husband: How does it help Wife: I use your toothbrush!
Vote: has 50.96 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife