The best husband jokes

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
Vote: has 51.28 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, husband, marriage, wife
A wife sending a short message to her husband: It was just said on the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm worried about you!. Please, give me a ring...
Vote: has 51.28 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, ugly, wife
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you," replies the wife. "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "I asked for, the English girl?" "Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!"
Vote: has 51.28 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, travel, wife
There's a new pain reliever for wives that relieves the headache caused by a husband who never remembers your anniversary. It's called "Jackasspirin."
Vote: has 50.70 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: anniversary, husband, wife
Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat... Husband: How does it help Wife: I use your toothbrush!
Vote: has 50.67 % from 48 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around. As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?" She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."
Vote: has 50.61 % from 41 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
Vote: has 49.54 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
Vote: has 48.79 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife, work
A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
Vote: has 48.79 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, food, husband, marriage, wife
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!" The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
Vote: has 48.79 % from 57 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, husband, women