The best husband jokes

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You’re certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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has 51.86 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: dentist, doctor, husband, women
There's a new pain reliever for wives that relieves the headache caused by a husband who never remembers your anniversary. It's called "Jackasspirin."
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has 51.67 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, husband, wife
A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around. As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?" She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."
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has 51.56 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
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has 51.34 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, husband
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
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has 51.18 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage
After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence. She warns him that he'll fart his guts out. One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence. The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
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has 50.88 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, husband, marriage, wife
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. 'What are you doing dear?' 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?' The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."
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has 50.70 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, women
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!" The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
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has 50.69 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: dirty, husband, women
Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard? A: Shoot him again.
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has 50.29 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage
A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
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has 49.86 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, husband, marriage, wife
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