The best husband jokes

There's a new pain reliever for wives that relieves the headache caused by a husband who never remembers your anniversary. It's called "Jackasspirin."
Vote: has 47.37 % from 18 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: anniversary, husband, wife
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. 'What are you doing dear?' 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?' The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."
Vote: has 46.54 % from 13 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, women
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son? Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Vote: has 46.54 % from 13 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, husband, men
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Vote: has 46.20 % from 22 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: husband, men, women
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You’re certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Vote: has 45.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dentist, doctor, husband, women
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that." "Why not" asked the customer? "Because that’s my husband."
Vote: has 45.10 % from 30 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beer, husband, marriage
Q: What book do women like the most? A: "Their husbands checkbook!"
Vote: has 44.47 % from 52 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, husband, women
A wife tells her husband: "We never go out anywhere…" "Great, tomorrow I will be going to through our the garbage, you may join me…"
Vote: has 43.90 % from 23 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
Vote: has 43.52 % from 29 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: business, food, husband, old people
A wife returns late at night back home. "Where have you been?" asks her husband. "With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men." One day later the husband returns back home late. "Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"
Vote: has 43.43 % from 33 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife


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