After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.
She warns him that he'll fart his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"
Vote:
A man comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Joseph in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "neither would Joseph."
A wife tells her husband:
"We never go out anywhere…"
"Great, tomorrow I will be going to through our the garbage, you may join me…"
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”
“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards.
“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
Vote:
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.
The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that.
So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.
”Are you hurt?” he asked.”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied.
“Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”
Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"
Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
Answer: A widow.
A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child.
Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that."
"Why not" asked the customer?
"Because that’s my husband."