The best husband jokes

A wife tells her husband: "We never go out anywhere…" "Great, tomorrow I will be going to through our the garbage, you may join me…"
Vote: has 41.84 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
Vote: has 41.83 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: business, food, husband, old people
Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? Answer: A widow.
Vote: has 41.30 % from 45 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, husband, women
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Vote: has 40.95 % from 7 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, husband
Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard? A: Shoot him again.
Vote: has 39.78 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage
A man comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Joseph in the games anymore. The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?" "Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife. "Well," says the husband, "neither would Joseph."
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: game, husband, sport, wife
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Vote: has 39.39 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, men, women
Doctor to woman patient: "Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him." Patient: "But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."
Vote: has 39.39 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, husband, marriage
Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her? A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
Vote: has 37.92 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, black humor, dog, fish, husband
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
Vote: has 35.28 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, women