I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
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Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my privates are too small." he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused.
"Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
A guy gets out of the V.D.
Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long.
Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.
After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.
"How's the food there?" asks the hooker.
"Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"
Vote:
Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
‘He had ambitions at one time to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.’
Les Dawson
Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer.
That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
‘I recently sold the rights of my love life to Parker brothers, they’re going to turn it into a game.’ Woody Allen
What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
I was married to a Gemini she caught me cheating on her with herself.