I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
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A German woman is walking down the street.
Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.
She screams, "Nein!, Nein"
So two guys walk away.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
Q: What did dick say to rubber?
A: "Cover me I'm going in."
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While making love, he says: Darling, let's do 68!
68???
What's that?
You do it to me and I'll owe you one.
A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair.
An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?"
And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex.
But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But..."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”
Most of the hands go up.
“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”
About half the hands stay up.
“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”
Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.
“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”
One hand stays up.
The speaker blinks.
“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?”
The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”