Why are rabbits never gold?
How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
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Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?
Q: What would you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A: A snake in the brass.
A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment.
‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk.
‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a job at the circus.’
‘The circus?’ says the dog.
‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl?
A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot.
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever.
Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”
What is the most important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat?
Shipped beef.