There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe. "Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."
Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications. Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant. Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion! Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.
A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?' Half the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. "That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
A man has a racehorse, never won a race. Man in disgust says, "Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning." The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you sleeping?" The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."