The one thing I've learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn't mastered the haircut.
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Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
"I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team."
"I blame the players," said the
second fan. "If they made more of
an effort, we'd score some points."
"I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle,
I'd be supporting a decent team."
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Q: Why all men say "Ladies first"?
A: They want to watch their asses.
Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.
He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back.
"Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."
You are so selfish!
You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
Chuck Norris hit a home run in a football game.
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Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley's head.
"How you like it?" asked the barber.
"Real fine," said the redneck. "But how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."