What do you call an accountant with an opinion?
An auditor.
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An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's.
The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there.
"I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here."
The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds."
The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"
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Q: And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A: Jail.
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Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
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An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him.
"Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
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Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.
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Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft?
A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
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Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None - just assume it's changed.
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An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: "Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!"
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits.
The machine suddenly sounds;
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
The man blacked out with the machine's ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago," says the machine.
"But it's impossible!" screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
-You're John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you.. lost the train!
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Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.
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