Joke #11434

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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A conversation among my Children's Church a while back. A little girl announced proudly to our class one day, "My mommy has a baby in her belly!" The little boy next to her was mortified! "Why did your mommy eat a baby!"
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One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman." The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats." At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut." A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
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A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop. Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk. The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop." The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?" The little boy again said, "No Bishop." The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?" The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."
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The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday." There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
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Once upon a time, there was a very happy, long-married couple who ran a small farm. They loved each other and all, there was just one problem – the guy farted incredibly, and enjoyed ripping seriously loud ones in bed especially. The wife complained for years, pleaded – in vain. "One day, you'll spill your guts out, you mark my words!" was the lady's frequent closing warning. Then one Thanksgiving morning, gutting the turkey, she had a stroke of genius. She took all the turkey's guts and went to their bedroom and quietly slipped them under the still sleeping man's covers. "That'll teach him!" she thought with satisfaction and went back to her work. At 10 the man was still nowhere to be seen – quite shocking for a farmer – and she was starting to worry when finally her husband came down – walking a little strange, wearing an even stranger expression. "You were right about the farting, Ida," he panted, "I'm ashamed to admit that I did fart my guts out. But with the help of our Lord and these two fingers, all is right again!"
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I've 3 aunts and 4 uncles in any ceremony of wedding they mention me : "oh , Bill you are enough grown up , the next time will be your turn." I also in payoff on funeral days tell them: "Woo you are enough old I hope next time would be your turn!"
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That moment when you notice that one fork isn't really very clean when you're laying the table and you have to decide which family member you like the least.
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Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
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Yo mamma is so fat, when she went on a cruise, a walrus jumped aboard and started singing 'we are family'.
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Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
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