Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
I bet Rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.
"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. You put groceries in the other.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men? A. He thought it was a home delivery service.
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic? He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.
What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind? The dashboard.