At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass.
The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.
Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for - Big Guy?"
"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General."
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An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a marine joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.
I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a marine.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a marine.
The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a marine.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.
"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.
"What fer?" asked Pyle.
"Shorter hours."
"Good fer them!" said the redneck.
"Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"
An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."
Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
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What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
A man asks his buddy: "Listen to me! Why has your wife left you, if I may ask?"
And he says, "you know, she has told me that I am weak in the bed."
"Oh, that is really sad. And what do you do to improve it?"
And he says again: "you know, I have bought one book, the name of this book is Kamasutra, you know I am helping myself with the hand, I have learned all positions, but the last position I am not gonna make."
"And what is the name of this position?"
"You know, imagine the missionary position."
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska.
The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her.
"I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"D**k, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his d**k sprang to full erection.
"D**k, at EASE!" And his d**k deflated again.
"That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment.
So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman.
"D**k, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up.
"D**k, at EASE!" Nothing.
"D**k, at EASE!" Still nothing.
"For the last time, D**k at EASE!"
Frustratingly enough, nothing happened.
Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom.
Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"
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Pull on a coworker is to press ctrl+print screen on their workstation, then paste it into Paint, save the pic, and set it as the desktop background.
Move all of their icons to the trash.
When they get back to their desk, clicking won't accomplish anything!
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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny.
"That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger.
"I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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