Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" That's about as far as I remember.
First woman in space: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind." What's the problem? "Nothing." Please tell us. "I'm fine."
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
Yo mama's so fat, she's the reason why the universe is expanding.
Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? A: You can't hear a vitamin.
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"
Son: "Mommy why doesn't Gandhi have hair?" Mom: "Because he never lies." Son: "Ohh now I see why ladies have long hair."
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%. It's called a Wedding Cake.