Hitler is daddy! Hump me! Fuck me! Daddy better gas them Jews. My gas chambers love the smoke. G-g-gas the Jews.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't? Ended a race.
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill.
Hitler calls a meeting of his best soldiers and commanders and tells them "Alright I want to order the assassination of one thousand jews and four hedgehogs." Then one of his generals stands and says "But... Mein furhur why four hedgehogs?" Hitler then smiles and says "See? No one gives a f*ck about the jews."
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's? He always burns the franks.