Me - Can you go to your moms room?
Friend - Yeah, why?
Me - I left my pants in there.
Friend - Fuck you!
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One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box.
Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars.
A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said.
"Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box."
Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs?
It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Man gives blood too save his wifes life.
Few months later they are divorced.
Husband says too wife, "I want my blood back you B*TCH!"
Wife throws the tampon at him and says, "I will pay you back monthly you B*STARD."
Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?
A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak.
In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the balls are just there for decoration.
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million.
The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study.
The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said.
Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang.
The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!