Me - Can you go to your moms room?
Friend - Yeah, why?
Me - I left my pants in there.
Friend - Fuck you!
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Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.
He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.
When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch.
Joe happily accepts.
After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert."
Joe happily accepts again.
When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.
Joe asks what the dollar is all about.
The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him, give him a dollar. The lunch was my idea."
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Pornhub is Down,
your mums Facebook will do.
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
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Q: What's the difference between basketball and sex?
A: In basketball you dribble before you shoot!
Two girlfriends meet again after a few years.
One is pushing around a baby buggy.
The first girlfriend looks at the baby and is perplexed.
"Black skin? Blue slit eyes? A blonde afro? How did you do that?"
Murmurs the other woman.
"Damn gangbang! At least he doesn't bark!"
How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears.
(Lick her)
Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?
A: Your jeans fit like a glove.
My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!
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