What does a Rubik's cube and a pen*s have in common?
They both get harder the longer you play with them. 
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What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end.
A toothbrush with toothpaste
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a Prostitute on a football field?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident.
He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions.
He looks like a mummy.
John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding.
Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."
A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous.
When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense.
"Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?"
The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes.
So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch.
"Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."
What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you're grounded.
A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
Vote:
Patient: "Doc, recently I've been very careless."
Doc: "How? Give me an example."
Patient: "Now I'm speaking with you, it seems that I'm talking to my dick."
Vote: