Sorry, I'm late.
I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
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Roses are red, violets are blue...
I'm in love but not with you...
When we broke up you thought I cried
But all it was...
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak dick...
I said I loved you
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby?!
You got played too!
When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
Vote:
Do you know the difference between a postal box and a monkey's arse?
Well if you don't know I will never ask you to post a letter for me.
A rabbi and a priest crash into each other at a four-way junction.
They both get out of their cars and look at the wreck.
They both thank God they are OK, and the priest says, ‘This must be a sign that God wanted us to meet.’
The rabbi says, ‘Yes, indeed, let’s drink.’
So the rabbi gets out some wine.
They toast each other and the priest drinks his glass.
But the rabbi doesn’t take a taste of his drink.
Priest: ‘Why aren’t you drinking?’
Rabbi: ‘I’m waiting for the police.’
"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat".
The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as.
"I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
An Atheist dies in a car crash and wakes up in a big dark room with a sign above a single door: "Welcome to Hell!"
"Shit! So the Shavelings were right after all!" the Atheist thinks, opens the door – and is stunned by the view!
A marvelous beach!
Crystal blue water, white sand, palm trees, the sun is shining and all around there are people laughing, having fun and listening to happy music or enjoying excellent food and drinks.rnLucifer, dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt, greets the Atheist, hands him a fantastic- looking cocktail and says cheerfully:
"Hey! Welcome to Hell. Have a drink, have a snack. Take a look around and enjoy yourself! See you later!"
Totally speechless at first, the Atheist finally starts to take a look around, is greeted everywhere, listens to people´s stories about their mortal lives and takes a stroll down the beach.
After a few minutes into the walk, he starts hearing cries of pain, wailing, shouts, and screams and decides to follow that noises.
Finally, the Atheist arrives at the rim of a big, black hole, takes a look down and is scared to the bone!
Down there, the place is all fire, sulfur, brimstone!
Rivers of lava, gnarled trees, and among it all the lost souls, being tormented forever by demons and devils.
"Whoa! Take it easy!"
Lucifer jumps right in to prevent the Atheist from falling into that pit and he stumbles backward, drops into the sand and stammers:
"Wha... what the HELL is that place?"
Lucifer looks down, shrugs and says: "Oh, that´s the Catholic´s department. They want it that way."
Q: Why do fat, ugly women give the best blow jobs?
A: Because they have to!
Boy: "You know unlike all these other guys, I can make you really happy"
Girl: "Why are you leaving?"
Little Lucy met Little Johnny after school and ask him, "Johnny do you you think I'm cute?"
Little Johnny looked at her from head to toe irritably and replied.
"Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey.
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry, I'll be there too.
Not in the cage, But laughing at you".