Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen". The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them". Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now".
Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets." Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here." "But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog." The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says. "A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Friend: How? Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Funny facts about Google users: 50% of people use Google well as a search engine. The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus? Don't worry, they'll let you know.