Joke #13220

I lost 125 pounds. It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
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has 70.92 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: divorce, mean, money, time

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I never knew happiness till I got married. By then it was too late.
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A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp. The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.' After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."
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has 83.95 % from 115 votes. More jokes about: bar, money, navy, time
A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."
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has 83.67 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: baby, money, time
Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra." Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!" Wife: "You wear shorts!"
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has 83.07 % from 137 votes. More jokes about: beauty, communication, marriage, mean, money
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
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has 82.86 % from 149 votes. More jokes about: death, family, money, time, work
Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing. "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day." "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
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has 82.49 % from 434 votes. More jokes about: mean, music, time, wife, women
I can't see the point of going to a lap-dancing club. If I wanted a woman who would take my money and sexually frustrate me, I would get married.
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has 81.50 % from 125 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mean, money, sex, women
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
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has 81.15 % from 14864 votes. More jokes about: management, money, sex, time
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay. "No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
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has 80.63 % from 113 votes. More jokes about: air force, mean, military, money, time
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
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has 80.45 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: animal, car, mean, money, women